Friday, December 4, 2009

my hero.

Today I saw an ELDERLY lady who had on a hot pink sweater that had
{lips}
embroidered across the middle of her right breast with the phrase
"Back by popular demand"
written above said lips.
So
inappropriate.
So funny.

poem.

Remember when I said I wrote a funny poem? And then I forgot to post it? Here it is. Keep in mind I AM NO POET.

Twas the day before Christmas When Billie told Mom
“I want to meet Rudolph. Maybe sing him a song.
We could play for a time, be friends, have some fun
Jump hopscotch, and rope, throw a ball, maybe run. ”

“My dearest, small child” Said Mom back to him,
“Rudolph cannot be seen for his spare time is slim,
Son, his schedule is packed, he’s not a moment to spare
He’s full time up north, and you can’t go up there.”

“But no,” Cried out Billie back to his mom.
“I just want to say Hi, I won’t sing him a song”
I’ll give a high five, and walk right on my way
I swear it won’t take long, I swear I won’t stay.”

“Now Billie my dear”, Mother replied
“Rudolph barely has time to potty
I’m sure that he squats, without places to hide
As he lists off whose nice and whose naughty.”

“You mean dear old mom,” Billie asked in surprise
“That Rudolph goes poop on the ground?
He can’t even leave to go be by himself
And has to go with elves all around?”

“Could be, dear old Billie,” Mom tried to sound bright
“That Rudolph is flying, delivering toys
All over the world, in one single night
Without making the smallest of noise.”

“I see,” said small Billie
“So how do I know if Rudolph is real or fake?
If I cannot say hi, sing him a song,
Or give him a simple handshake?”

“How about, my dear boy,” Mother said with a grin
We look for his remnants instead of for him?
I’ll hang from the roof some small little stockings
In hopes of catching a few of his droppings.”

“Oh but mom,” Billie gasped
“You hate things like poop!
Things dirty, and grody send you for a loop
I guess in that way, you’re a lot like Aunt Nan
\Are you sure you can do it? Are you sure that you can?”

“Only for you son,” Mom said with a shiver
Would I do such a thing without even a quiver
I’ll hang up some stockings to get Reindeer poop caught
I even hope that we get us a lot.”

So Mom hung up stockings from the rooftop with joy
In hopes that come morning Billie would find
Them filled to the brim, fresh poop for her boy
The droppings from Rudolph’s behind.



I AM SO FUNNY.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

he's cute. she's cute.

Um I love this. I love them. He better be careful. If he screws up she'll sing about him.



Oh how I love this. Taylor and Taylor. So cute.

eavesdropping.

Right now I am sitting in the student union playing solitare waiting for my class to start. A group of girls diverse in nationality just walked by and sat down about three feet from me. At first as I listened to their conversation I found it comical. Typical girl talk--clothes,shoes,hair,boys,blah blah blah. Then all of a sudden girl #1 (we'll call her sue) said that she wasn't allowed to wear the color blue. Weird. girl #2 (we'll call her mom--cause she acts like one) took that chance to tell Sue that gangs were a bad idea. How naive am I that the mention of a color doesn't trigger a gang in my brain? Mom proceeded to tell Sue that gang members may be the nicest people you have met in a while, but they will turn on you in a second. She explained that its so much better to be around people who make you work for their friendship and prove your loyalty rather than run with that croud. Girl #3 (lets call her Alice) just got a text message. "Find out what you are doing for Young Womens" she reads. Immediately I'm taken back. Young Womens??? This chick? I then immediately felt irrevokably guilty for judging her as a non YW going gal. They conversation between Sue, Mom, and Alice continued on about Mormonism and missionaries. From what I gathered, all of them had been contacted by missionaries, all of them were either adopted or in foster care, and none of them had accepted the message of the missionaries. Mom however deserved a hug or at least a high five for her comments. Alice asked the group if it was true that the Mormons were trying to make her mormon. Mom proceeded to explain that from what she knew about the Mormons, being mormon wasn't a bad thing. That Mormons were nice people who did nice things. Mom said to Sue it would do her a world of good to run with the mormons. The girls asked mom if she was Mormon to which she replied, "No I consider myself Christian." I was so sure she was Mormon! I am trying my best right now not to fall out of my chair as I strain to hear every single word. All the while arguing with myself whether to jump in and give them all a Mormon perspective or simply let Mom have the reigns... Ugh. They look scary, and one runs with gangs. I'll let mom take the reigns for now and see if I need to interject here soon...


Oh the convos you'll hear if only you try.

Monday, November 30, 2009

compliments of gentrie.

Gentrie,
i would like to take a second to shout out and tell you i how cool you are and how much i wish i could be you.. i like how you curl your eye lashes and paint your toes.

love amber (who is really gentrie)

i'm thankful for you.

This weekend was outrageous. I loved every second of it.

My family went to Disneyland, so we spent the weekend with Dewy's family. It was a blast. Aunt Tina and Uncle Brent came up from Texas, and because they were here we decided to have Thanksgiving and Christmas all in one day. It was a week long celebration. Monday we went to my in laws to welcome the travelers, and we went back on Wednesday to hang out. Wednesday night Uncle Brandon and Aunt Shelby and their kids were there to party with us. Two awesome events from that evening: Meet Coy.

1- Coy (Brandon and Shelby's two year old that I ADORE) asked if he could have a sip of my drink. As I let him taste my Diet DP he pulled a sour face and said "That apple juice is SPICY!" So cute.
2- Coy went around the room asking everyone what they were thankful for. As he got to Dewy, Dewy said, "I'm thankful for Gabe, Wyatt, and Noah. (Those are Coy's brothers) And thats all." To which Coy responded, "I'm thankful for you." Way to go Dewy.



Thursday Dewy and I slept in and made it to Aunt Tammy and Uncle Kelly's in Provo at 12pm. We went around the room naming off real things we were thankful for, and I learned a lot about the people I was surrounded by. I grew to love them even more. After we ate, we had a turkey shoot.

I was frickin L E G I T. Tina took first, but I took second after they harassed me about not knowing what I was doing. Lame. At about 4PM we busted out Christmas.
We played musical chairs, acted out stories, and then sat and relaxed for a while before heading to our sleeping arrangements. Mine and Dewy's were at the Comfort Inn and Suites--compliments of Uncle Brandon. Thank you sir
.
Here are the rounds of musical chairs. The adults were the funniest.

We had some coloring contests as well. Observe the artists.

This is Brooke, Dewy's cousin. She is adorable, and her girls are darling. Scout and Boston. Could you come up with anything cuter to name them? Of course not. And baby girl number three is on the way.

Grandpa Tuckett gave us booties and I am a huge fan. Here is Tate acting as the bootie model. Nice.

Friday morning I did indeed dare to go out into Black Friday. I have NEVER done the early shopping thing before, and I'm slightly upset about all my wasted years. We began at 4 where we went to Target. As we pulled into the parking lot, and my lovely green eyes beheld the atrocious line that wrapped around the parking lot and behind the building, I felt slightly afraid for my life. I was sitting in the car when they opened the door, and I feared for everyone else's life when I saw them all stampeding inside. Holy crap. I got a whole bunch of fantastic films for dirt cheap. Hoo Rah. After target we hit University Mall. Um super cheap hoodies from Aero and AE? Don't mind if I do! I may or may not have gotten slightly out of control waiting for American Eagle to open. The employee's kept lying to us! Gentrie and Tiesha kicked the doors, and I merely shook them a bit while getting glared at from a not-so-impressed cashier inside. Lame. Anyway... I snatched a bunch of goodies, and got pretty much all of Christmas taken care of. When I informed Dewy that he got me a hoodie and I loved it he told me "I know I'm the man."

We took pictures to keep ourselves from knocking the door down and tearing apart their Christmas tree. Here is Gentrie and Tawni and I in our sweats. Gentrie, don't be mad.
Cute.
The weekend was an absolute blast.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

heres the thing.

Ok so my friend makes and sells headbands and they pretty much rock.
She seriously makes them. She can dye the fabric and everything.
You should probably buy one
...or two
...or three.
If you want to tell me what you want I can get them for you.
I wear mine like every day.
Seriously.



Check them out HERE.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

job.

I like mine. Most days. However, I'm expecting to graduate in about 2 weeks (squeal) and I would really like to have a job where I could use my degree. I have a
Bachelor of Science Degree in English
The original plan was to teach, but in order to do so I need to be working toward my certificate, and I am more concerned right now about getting my darling husband graduated before I start in on another degree...

Anyway... I'm really wanting a job that will put my degree to use. Any ideas????

Thursday, November 19, 2009

what the...

According to FB, today is
NATIONAL HUG A MORMON DAY

Who made that a holiday? Seriously.

poem.

I just wrote a funny one.
Its for Dewy's family Thanksgiving/Christmas party.
I can't post it yet or it will blow the surprise
{cause we all know that EVERYONE reads my blog--including his fam}
Prepare yourself for the humor.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

happy halloween.

Yes its late.
Try and get over it.
I worked on Halloween, and our office dressed up.
We were
{busy bees}
and as you can see, our boss was the
{queen bee}
She wouldn't give me her crown.
Boo.



P.S. Thanks Emily for letting me have this picture.


how to succeed in business.

Last night Dewy and I went to go see Weber High's play "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying". Kaylee is in it, or I never in a million years would have been able to drag Dewy along. I was a bit apprehensive (I had heard it was a little dirty) but it was actually really good. Well, the acting was at least. There was a song about groundhogs and I thought Dewy was going to fall out of his chair he was laughing so hard. I just love Miss LaRue. If I were to act, I'd be her.

We sat on the fourth row. Dewy sat next to Nick. I sat next to stinky Mcstinkerson. She cackled at the not-funny parts and every time she opened her mouth I was assaulted with a wave of wreched breath. She sang to the songs, she did the dances. There was a part where the acters were dancing and clapping, and yep you guessed it, she clapped right along with 'em. Even after 2 packs of M&Ms her breath still reaked. Ugh. How do I get so lucky. Dad was getting sandwiched by a little old lady who wouldn't share the arm rest and insisted on holding her cane right over his legs. Guess I wasn't the only lucky one.

The play was great and Kaylee was awesome. The audience needed some work.

Friday, November 13, 2009

socks.

Please observe my husband's dirty socks on top of the fridge. Weird.



Dewy says it wasn't him. I say it wasn't me. We don't even have kids yet, and already Mr. Invisible is coming out to play. Ha.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

obviously.

Wow.

Really?

I put this and THIS in the same catagory. Fools.

really mom? really?

My young spring chicken of a mother decided she wanted to go back to school.
Go mom.
This for me means one more person's paper to edit/write completely.
Boo.
Mom is so great. She loves to brag about her English major daughter, and even got the group she is in to have me write their paper.
Isn't she awesome? Sure do love her.
As I am slaving away writing said paper, this is what mom and Kaylee are doing with my phone.
Cute. Real cute.





See if I ever write something for you again you lazy bums. Gosh.

rebel.

I am so rebellious. Better watch me close. Dun Dun Dun...

The computer lab guy was not impressed.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

facebook.

Facebook friendship is the strongest form of friendship. Period.

Without FB I would never know when birthdays are--knowing when birthdays are is crucial--and I wouldn't be able to say to said birthday person "hey happy birthday" because said FB friend is probably NOT my friend in the non facebook world, and as such wishing them happy birthday would be weird.
Last week while sitting in a presidency meeting for Young Women's, I discovered that everyone in the presidency was friends on FB
{EXCEPT ME}
Now you could imagine my dismay when they were all aware of this fact, and NO ONE had bothered to be MY FB friend.
Rude. So rude.
I commented on said rudeness and when I on FB next I had three new friend requests...
go figure.
621 friends = FB popular. I have 622 friends on FB. Does anyone else get friend requests from creepy Indian men like every other day?
If we aren't FB friends, we probably should be. go find me.
P.S. I just glanced around the computer lab.
Approximately 13 out of the 17 in here are on FB.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

excuse me?

Lady just asked me when my baby was due? Cripes.
I said Excuse Me??
She said Aren't you expecting??
I said NO and you probably shouldn't ask that question ever again.
Is there a book that teaches people to be
{T A C K Y }
Or is it merely loss of brain cells or a broken filter? Can you fix that?
I wanted to shout at her "SO I GAINED SOME WEIGHT ON THIS BIRTH CONTROL! SO I'M ABOUT TO MEET AUNT FLO! WHAT BUSINESS OF IT IS YOURS!!!?"
I hate tacky people. I wanted to punch her. Right in the baby maker. What a hag.

traffic skool.

Seriously? There are almost no words. Oh wait...Since when do I have no words???

This morning I work up at seven (excuse me???) to go to traffic school before work. Boo. They told me to be there fifteen minutes before it started so I could check in. I got there 3 minutes before it started. Whatev. I sat down in a room with 9 other individuals most of which looked slightly less than classy. As we waited for the Detective and his handlebar mustache (yep) the kid with the mohawk says

So... What you guys in for?

Excuse me?? I am not a criminal. I am NOT a criminal. I AM NOT A CRIMINAL. I sped. I got caught. I think the amount of the ticket was punishment enough so hows about you give me the test and I'll take it and if I don't pass I'll sit through your class. If I do I go free... think about it.

Anyway so Detective Mustache enters firing off one liners thinking he's funny. I don't care if you are Brian Regan, Dane Cook, or Frank Calliendo--its early Saturday morning and I'm in traffic school. Ya ain't funny. Cue PowerPoint presentation. To my own credit, I sat there paying pretty good attention, until the fruit fly showed up. I named him Tim. He flew back and forth in front of the projector screen making it impossible for me to focus, as my eyes trailed his every move. Then, without warning, he plummeted straight for my face. Yep...a kamikaze fruit fly. I blew feverishly to avoid an eye penetration. I'm sure I looked equally as classy in that moment as everyone in the class did. Stupid fly.

Great news. Aced the quiz. I got a certificate of graduation and it even has my name on it. Think I'll frame it...

Thursday, November 5, 2009

just to clarify.

leather seats are for if and when we have babies.
If I have to have babies in my car
I WILL
be able to wipe the seat clean.
Call me ridiculous.
I don't care what you think.
Leather = crucial.

Monday, November 2, 2009

calling all drivers.

Um... we need a new car. Well, new to us at least. Only requirements so far:

Leather seats
Less than 100K miles


Any ideas?

Friday, October 30, 2009

hair.

My hair is dark.
My dad asked if I was "being serious" or if it was for
{Halloween}
An older lady member from work asked me
"what I did to myself"
and that she
"didn't like it."
Dewy said it wasn't "that bad"
but would "take some getting used to" and keeps calling me dark haired wife.
I think the neighbors think he is having an affair.
Dewy is getting used to it I think.
Nick said it looked good.
I like my dark hair.
If I see you, and you hate it
lie and tell me I look
H O T.

Thanks

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

classy.

Mom does not appreciate/approve of my use of the word
{F A R T}
She told me so. Sorry mom.
Also, Dewy just caught a moth with his bare hand. Swiped it clean off the light.
My hero.

Monday, October 26, 2009

smelltastic.

I am getting a wiff of fruity that suddenly turns to a fart smell. I dont know if this person has on strong perfume and then farted or what. The part I'm bothered by is that fact that I can't determine if its a pleasurable smell or not. Kind of like when you drive down Wall Ave in Ogden by the dog food plant and suddenly you get a wiff of McDonalds fries. You take a deep sniff and suddenly the smell turns wreched and you are abhorred that you ever enjoyed the smell and then you can't decide if it still smells like fries or not, or if you should never eat McDonalds fries again. You know you've done it. And it never fails that everytime you pass you do it again.




Fart or fruit? I don't know.

captain crash.

This weekend Dewy had to go to a scout campout in order to magnify his calling.
We are exceptionally righteous.
Anyway, Dewy needed to borrow Nick's truck to be able to haul stuff up to camp.
They traded cars Friday, and Dewy left.
Friday night about 5:30ish I got a phone call at work.
I was busy.
When I returned the call here is what happened.

Nick: Hello?
Amber: Hi. Who called me?
N: I did.
A: Ok whats up?
N: I wrecked Dewy's car.
A: No you didn't
N: Um.. Yeah I did.
A: Are you being serious?
N: Um...yeah.
A: Crap.
N: Um...yeah.
A: Are you ok?
N: Um...yeah.
A: Do you want me to talk to Dewy?
N: Um...yeah.

Come to find out Nick hit a parked car.
Dewy has an IPOD jack in his car that fell onto the floor.
When Nick tried to pick it up he drifted to the other side of the road and slammed into a parked truck.
Dewy's car is mangled hard core.
The truck had its fog light taken off and it's bumper dented.
Insurance concepts blow, and we, so far, are confused as all get out.
We had nothing to do to with the accident, but the insurance follows the car, and our premium could very well
{skyrocket}
as the adjuster says.
Super Duper.
Are we rich yet?