breakdown.

Last night I had a mental breakdown. Yesterday we went to the doctor to find an exact weight and get set out what was supposed to be the "plan" for getting Fetus here. My day was great right up until the appointment got underway. We went to the parinatology ultrasound first to get a weight estimate: 8 lbs 6 oz they said. We took the report over to the doc. He chuckled to himself and did some tests of his own after which he said: "This kid is at least 9 lb 5 oz. At least." Excuse me?? Then why the crap am I still carrying him? Get out the knife and start cutting already please. He hasn't dropped down into the birth canal. I'm dialated to a one. And he thinks he wants me to go another week just to give Fetus the chance to drop. He mentioned that AFTER he told me that there is only an 8% chance he will drop to where I could deliver him normally. Nope. Not happening. I'm not one who understands gambling and playing your odds (lets face it I'm just not smart enough to figure things out that involve numbers and such...) but 8% doesn't sound too charming to me. I'll go with the 92% thanks. I left the doctor with this parting comment: "I will be going into labor on Thursday morning. When I get there, we will give him 5 minutes to drop and then we are going to start the C section. Got it? See you Thursday. Go ahead and clear your schedule." When I got into the car the weight of it all slammed me in the chest. I can't go another week. Mentally I'm done. I can't tell you the last time I slept (which isn't helping the situation and if one more person tells me its just preparing me for when the baby is actually here I'll scream because I feel like it would be much easier to wake up to take care of my baby rather than be awake all night because I can't breathe or because I hurt) and my students told me yesterday that my legs look like elephant's legs. Hate them. Part of me feels like I shouldn't complain because at least I can have kids where some women can't, but that part of me is being overrun by the angry and frustrated woman with a broken rib and elephantitis. Last night admidst my breakdown there was a silver lining. The hubs and dad gave me a blessing. Wish I would have thought of that sooner. I was secretly hoping they would say something that would command my body to induce labor, but alas it full of comforting things and I did feel much better after we finished. It is a good thing today is the last day of work. Pray for my optimism to return.